written by Steve Faber & Bob Fisher
Janice: I've got the perfect girl for you! Jeremy: (sigh) Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested but I'm not really interested, or should I play like I'm interested, but I'm not that interested, but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested, but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like, well goodnight. You do like that ass-out hug where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close. Do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering, are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair.
Jeremy: OK, can you, can you put that over there so he can't see it? Thank you. Hey, Janice... great talk.
Father O'Neil (Henry Gibson): Hello, son. You okay?
Jeremy: Not now, Father, please. No offense to you. I think we might be on different wavelengths. I think you'd just be spinning your wheels with me, but, uh, have a little of the sacrament here. (pours two glasses of scotch) No one likes to drink alone. We'll set you up. There you go, get your hands on it. Take it while it's hot. Take it while it's hot. I'm gonna pour till it's on the tray. Here it is. Can I ask you a question, Father? Do you ever get horny? I'm sure you do. I just--in your position, you're not--right? Isn't that you're not allowed to... sleep with anybody, right? Does that get tough sometimes? You ever pull on yourself, or--? Everything works. Do you get swelled up still? ... Well, what do you do?
Father O'Neil: You pray.
Jeremy: Yeah, well, I pray too, you know what I mean?
(The scene changes briefly, and when we return to Father O'Neil and Jeremy, the topic has switched to Gloria, the highly eccentric bridesmaid John hooked up with at the wedding.)
Jeremy: She's good. I mean, I believed that she was a virgin. It hurts to be lied to like that. It's a horrible feeling to feel that way. But I, you know, was looking to take advantage of something too. So could I really feel that bad? It's not like I was who I was. You know what I'm saying? So, fair play. And let's be honest with each other here, okay? Let's put all the cards on the table. She's fit for a straitjacket. This broad's fucked three ways toward the weekend. And you wanna know what? I dig it! It turns me on! Yeah! It turns me on! Because you wanna know what the kicker is, Father? Maybe I'm a little fucking crazy! That's right! Maybe Jeremy's a little nuts. Maybe there's something about me that I'm a little cuckoo. I know it's a surprise. I know it's not on the surface. I mean, I had an imaginary friend when I was a kid and his name was Shiloh. We used to play checkers with each other every day and bless his heart, Shiloh'd always let me win! And that ain't normal. There's something odd in that but maybe that's what it takes to make you feel like you're connected with somebody. I don't know! But I know when that redhead starts getting kooky that something about me feels alive inside! I'm diggin' talkin' with ya. You're a really enlightened cat and I like that about ya. I think you're a special special man. Okay, come in for the real thing. Get in here for the real thing. (John kisses Father on the lips) I love ya. You're a sweet man.
Father O'Neil:Oh, dear God.
Kudos and much thanks go to Blake for the first of these two monologues, it is very much appreciated. The second one was all me.
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