written by Jason Schafer

(In a club restroom, Gabriel is trying to relieve himself, as a drag queen enters.)
Miss Coco Peru: So, are you and Mark boyfriends?
Gabriel (Christian Campbell): I'm sorry?
Miss Coco Peru: What's your name?
Miss Coco Peru: Gabriel, as in "Blow, Gabriel, blow?"
Gabriel: I've heard that before.
Miss Coco Peru: Yeah well. I'm Miss Coco Peru. Hello. Hi. So, is Mark your boyfriend, or just a trick?
Gabriel: I don't know what we are.
Miss Coco Peru: Oh i've heard that before. oh Gabriel.. Gabriel Gabriel Gabriel. Look, i'm not one to gossip. It's not my nature. Truth. Truth. Now that's my nature.
Gabriel: Can you stand over there?
Miss Coco Peru: A little pee-shy? Don't worry, Miss Coco is here to help. Gabriel, you look like a nice person, you do. So, as a truth seeker, i feel it's my duty to tell you that Mark is a no-good fuckin' piece of rat shit. Don't get me wrong, he's handsome, he's charming, huge penis. HUGE penis. Oh believe me Gabriel, I know. I know.
Gabriel: I'd really like to hear this, but could you --
Miss Coco Peru: Turn around? Sure. I remember the first time i met him. Oh yeah, it was two years ago, gay pride day, I was on the train going home from the festivities, and he was sitting across from me sleeping. But he wasn't really sleeping.. Oh no. He was pretending to sleep because he knows he looks like an angel when he's sleeping and not the anti-christ he really is. And even though i could tell he was fakin', i went along with it. Call me crazy, i dont know. Anyway, we started talking and he gives me some line about some old lady he lives with and he asked if he could go back to my place. I told him, "I don't invite strangers to my apartment". And then he looks down at his crotch and then back up at me, and he says "It's big, it's beautiful and you're gonna love it." I said "Oh, alright", and as he walked me back to my apartment on that gay night of nights, he took my hand gently into his, and for a moment I felt like the luckiest drag queen in the world, and I fantasized: yeah, this is it.
This is the man i'm gonna spend the rest of my life with. I'd be the one to show him the virtues of a loving heart. But do you know what he did? He took that heart, he tossed it on the floor and with his little satan hooves he jumped. He jumped hard. The truth is gabriel when we got back to my apartment he grabbed me and threw me on the bed, he tore off all my clothes. *knocking on the restroom door* WILL YOU HOLD ON ONE GODDAMN MINUTE?! Jesus Christ, now i forgot where I was. Where was I?
Gabriel: Threw you on the bed, tore off all your clothes.
Miss Coco Peru: Oh right, so I'm lickin his balls and the next thing I know, he cums in my eye and he's out the door. Gone. You ever get cum in your eye Gabriel, HMM? It BURNS. So, there I was, laying in the middle of my bed completely naked with an eye full of cum, thinkin' to myself "oh hell no." And then the next day when I call the number he'd given me earlier it was the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens and would you believe they never even heard of a Mark Miranda? Am I bitter? Absolutely. Face it, you're just another phone number on a dirty cocktail napkin shoved into the bottom of his pocket. *Gabriel finally begins to urinate*. Good boy. Well, do what you will. I only offer you this information because i'm a giver. Who knows, maybe some day we'll meet again, and i'll be able to look at you and say, "Gabriel, Gabriel, I told you so."

Kudos and much thanks go to Reid for this monologue, it is very much appreciated.

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