written by Larry Gelbart & Murray Schisgal

(The scene is part of a soap opera episode - a scene that Dorothy alters drastically in order to reveal "herself" as Michael.)
"Gordon": Let us all raise our glasses to our guest of honor, Miss Emily Kimberly! (Guests applaud)
"Gordon": Emily, we are all looking forward to having you grace us with your presence for many years to come! (More applause; cries of "Speech, speech!") Dorothy (playing the character "Emily"): Thank you, Gordon. Well, I cannot tell y'all how deeply moved I am. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would be the object of so much genuine affection. (long pause) It makes it all the more difficult for me to say what I'm now going to say. Yes; I do feel it's time to set the record straight. You see, I didn't come here just as an administrator, Dr. Brewster; I came to this hospital to settle an old score. Now you all know that my father was a brilliant man - he built this hospital; what you don't know is that to his family, he was an unmerciful tyrant - an absolute dodo bird. He drove my mother, his wife, to - to drink; in fact, she - uh, she - she went riding one time and lost all her teeth. The son Edward became a recluse, and the oldest daughter - the pretty one, the charming one - became pregnant when she was fifteen years old and was driven out of the house. In fact, she was so terrified that she would, uh, that, uh, that, that, that the baby daughter would bear the stigma of illegitimacy that she, she - she decided to change her name and she contracted a disfiguring disease -
(A beat as Dorothy mentally regroups; the guests are stunned)
Dorothy: - After moving to Tangiers, which is where she raised the, the, the little girl as her sister; but her one ambition in life......was to become a nurse, so she returned to the States and joined the staff right here at Southwest General. Well, she worked here, she knew she had to speak up wherever she saw injustice and inhumanity, God save us! You do understand that, don't you, Dr. Brewster?
"Dr. Brewster": I never laid a hand on her!
Dorothy: Yes, you did! And she was shunned by all you nurses, too! ...... But she was deeply, deeply, deeply, deeply, deeply, deeply loved by her brother. It was this brother who, on the day of her death, swore to the good Lord above that he would follow in her footsteps, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just owe it all up to her! But on her terms! As a woman, and just as proud to be a woman as she ever was! (removes her glasses and eyelashes) For I am not Emily Kimberly, the daughter of Dwayne and Alma Kimberly. No, I'm not. (Dorothy rips off wig, revealing "herself" as Michael)
Michael: I am Edward Kimberly, the recluse brother of my sister Anthea! Edward Kimberly, who has finally vindicated his sister's good name! I am Edward Kimberly - Edward Kimberly, and I'm not mentally ill, but proud and lucky and strong enough to be the woman that was the best part of my manhood - the best part of myself!

Kudos and much thanks go to Ben for this monologue, it is very much appreciated.

[ please return to the main movie monologue page ]