Hugh Hefner's Harem
written by Tina Fey

(Holding up a picture of Hugh Hefner and his seven girlfriends)
Tina Fey: Tonight, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner will celebrate his 75th birthday. At Hefner's side will be his seven girlfriends - Stephanie, Tiffany, Regina, Cathy, Kimberly, Buffy and, of course, Tina. Because wherever two or more whores are gathered, there's always a Tina. Now, when I first saw these women, I thought the same thing we all did - what has happened to affirmative action in this country? Hefner's dating seven blonde, white women - not a blonde pubic hair among them, might I add. Not a pubic hair among them. Come on, though - seven blondes? There's not a hot Asian woman you can throw in there? A light-skinned black woman? A deaf brunette? Something? Where's the diversity? When are we going to have a Hefner harem that looks like America? Am I really to believe that these women, each of them, offers you something unique? Let's go over them, if you will. (points to each girlfriend in turn) This one is 19, okay. Two months ago she was working at Dairy Queen, now she goes clubbing every night with Bill Maher and Don Adams. Is she better off? It's hard to say! This one...this one isn't even trying. I'm actually very disappointed in this one. What is that, a man's shirt? You are the weakest link - goodbye! This one doesn't even have a name anymore.. she's just "Girl." She's basically just there because she knows CPR. This one is always next to him, always holding his hand. (in Chinese accent) "She a numba one girlfriend!" At 28, Tina is the oldest and has a two-year-old son. That must be a wonderful way to grow up, playing Fetch the Ashtray with James Caan in the Grotto, while your mom's upstairs praying for the Viagara to wear off so she can get you to the orthodontist on time. Fantastic. These two.. (points to next two girlfriends) ..these two right here, these two are like this...(crosses fingers) But sometimes they're like this...(squeezes fingers) And this one, clearly, this one is willing to do something the others will not do. Whatever the filthiest thing you can think of -- it's a little worse than that, and she'll let you photograph her doing it. Gotta be the reason she's there.
But you know what? You can't condemn these woman, because at least they work together, they support each other, and how many woman can say that, right? And these women aren't doing it for the money. They're doing it because they were molested by a family friend. I salute you, Hefner ladies. You are making it work! Back to you Jimmy!

Kudos and much thanks go to Patrick Lonergan for this monologue, from his EXCELLENT site Saturday Night Live Transcripts, it is very much appreciated.

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