The Letter - an original monologue
written/donated by Dulcie Carter

Luke, I love you. I've loved you for a long time. I'm not exactly sure when I realized it, sometime last year when I woke up in your arms and I felt safe for the first time since before I can remember. But I threw it all away because I got scared. I got scared that I would hurt you or that you would hurt me or that I would somehow lose you. I didn't want to hurt like that again. So I ran away. And it hurt like hell and still does. Because I still love you and no matter how hard I try I can't move on. I try and try to get over you and nothing works. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't think without thinking about you. Without wanting you back here beside me. I'm a wreck. I hurt you, I know that, and it was the last thing I ever wanted to do. And I did it for nothing. Nothing changed. I thought you would be better without me. And maybe you are, but I am not better without you. I am miserable without you. And now you have someone else. And I sit here and watch and it hurts. It feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest and jumped on. Like someone is dancing on it in a pair of high-heeled shoes and then slipping it back in to beat, broken and hurt. But I can't stop it. Because not seeing you at all is even worse. I can't see you without wanting to tell you everything. I can't be near you without wanting to kiss you and hug you and never let you go again. I lost a lot that day. I lost my boyfriend, I lost my lover, but most of all I lost my best friend. And I want them all back. I miss you more than anything. And it hurts like hell. I love you more than anything in the world. I would do anything to get you back, but I know that won't happen. I blew my chance when I got scared. When I blindly ran scared. I'm stupid. I'm an idiot. I threw everything away because I got scared. I should know better. Nothing good ever comes easy. You have to deal, you have fights, you have problems; nothing is perfect. I know that. I should have realized that. If I weren't stupid, you would still be here with me. You would still hold me. But you aren't. You don't. Your arms hold her now. Your lips kiss hers now. Your body touches hers when you sleep. And I'm alone. And I'm kicking myself. My heart is breaking every second. And all I want is for it to stop. I would tell you everything, but you wouldn't take me back and it would just hurt more. I love you so much. I want you to know that. I love you now and I always will, no matter who I become, no matter where I go, no matter what I do. I miss you. I love you and I need you and I'll never stop.

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