written by Seth Meyers
Seth Meyers: Thanks, Jimmy. Tomorrow night, despite two thrilling ninth inning victories here in New York, the Yankees magic run may finally come to an end. some people say their offense is inconsistent, some say their pitching is too old. But I know the real reason the Yankees have struggled a bit in the playoffs. It's because, for the first time in history, Red Sox fans are rooting for the Yankees to win. I know. I'm a Red Sox Fan. For the past 83 years, you've had nothing but our negative energy and hatred in your way, and it's led to, like, 65 world championships. But this year, because of what happened to New York, Boston's decided to put our personal feelings aside and root for you to win. When the Yankees went to Boston, they played "New York, New York" over the PA. People were holding up signs that said, "Boston Loves New York". And you started losing. Coincidence? No! Everyone and everything Boston roots for loses. If Boston rooted by gravity, we’d all be floating three inches off the ground. We're the worst! Right now, Donald Rumsfield is in West Roxbury, Mass., trying to convince eight guys named Murph to root for the Taliban.
Personally, I don't like this new camaraderie. Remember the later Tom & Jerry cartoons where they were friends, and it sucked? Same concept. That having been said, I love New York. No city deserves a World Championship more than this city right now. So, in order to help you out, I, a Red Sox fan, will say this: "I hate the Yankees!" "Paul O'Neill, you're a whining crybaby." "Chuck Knoblauch, you're a glorified Oompa-Loompa." "Roger Clemens, I would give every penny I have to whack your 39-year-old groin with a Fungo Bat." And I'm only saying this because I genuinely want you to win.
Kudos and much thanks go to Patrick Lonergan for this monologue, from his EXCELLENT site Saturday Night Live Transcripts, it is very much appreciated.
[ please return to the main movie monologue page ]