Saturday Night Live - Chris Farley
written by the Saturday Night Live writing staff

(The character makes 'quote marks' in the air at every "___")
Bennet: That's right, Bennet Brauer here with another commentary. didn't think the suits would have me back perhaps. Thought they'd have my derriere replaced by one of those cookie cutter store mannequins. Well maybe I'm not "the norm". I'm not "camera friendly." I don't "wear clothes that fit me." I'm not a "heartbreaker." I haven't "had sex with a woman." I don't know "how that works." I guess I don't "fall in line." I'm not "hygienic." I don't "wipe properly." I don't "own a toothbrush" or "let my scabs heal." I can't "reach all the parts of my body." When I sleep I "sweat profusely." But I guess the "powers that be" will keep signing my paycheck at least until John and Jane Q. Viewer start to go for the remote so they can go back to watching commentators who don't "frighten children" and don't "eat their own dandruff" and don't "pop their whiteheads with a compass they used in high school." Thank you Kevin.

Credit and many thanks to Benjamin for this monologue, it is very much appreciated.

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