The Smokers
written by Steve Martin
(This is not a monologue, per se, as there is no one speaking. But it is nevertheless hilarious and (to a small degree) a condemnation of the habit I deplore. This is from Steve Martin's first published book, Cruel Shoes, entitled "The Smokers." It appears written on his first album, "Let's Get Small" (1971) accompanied by three images of a very young, dark-haired Steve Martin with several cigarettes in his mouth at once, looking comically suave)
Steve: He lit the cigarette and smoked it down to the filter in one breath. He silently thanked the cigarette company for being thoughtful enough about his health to include a filter to protect him. So he lit up another. This time he didn't exhale the squeaky-clean filtered smoke, but just let it nestle in his lungs, filing his body with that good menthol flavor. Some more smokers knocked on his door and they came in and all started smoking along with him.
"How wonderful it is that we're all smoking," he thought.
Everyone smoked and smoked and after they smoked they all talked about smoking and how nice it was that they were all smokers and then they smoked some more.
Smoke, smoke, smoke. They all sang "Smoke That Cigarette" and "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes." Then the smokers smoked one more cigarette and left him alone in his easy chair, about to relax and enjoy a nice quiet smoke. And then his lips fell off.
Thanks to Neil for providing additional text that appears in the book ("Cruel Shoes" by Steve Martin) but not on the album cover (not enough room?).