written by Ehren Kruger, from characters created by Kevin Williamson
(from a videotape -- since he's dead)
Randy: Told ya I'd make a movie someday! Huh?
Sidney: Oh my god.
Randy: Well, if you're watching this tape, it means, as I feared, I did not survive these killings here at Windsor College and that giving up my virginity to Karen Kolchak at the video store was probably not a good idea.
Dewey: Karen Kolchak?
Randy: Yes, Karen Kolchak.
Dewey: Creepy Karen?
Randy: Shut up! She's a sweet person, okay? We were working late. We were putting away some videos in the porno section, and, you know, shit happens. (shouting and knocking from the door behind him) Fifteen minutes. (it continues) Paul, fifteen minutes! I'm leaving my legacy. (it continues) Fifteen minutes, Paul! Damn! Anyway, the reason I'm here is to help you so that my death will not be in vain. That my life's work will help save some other poor soul from getting mutilated. If this killer does come back, and he's for real, there are a few things that you gotta remember. Is this simply another sequel? Well, if it is, same rules apply. But, here's the critical thing. If you find yourself dealing with an unexpected back-story, and a preponderance of exposition, then the sequel rules do not apply. Because you are not dealing with a sequel. You are dealing with the concluding chapter of a trilogy. That's right. It's a rarity in the horror field, but it does exist, and it is a force to be reckoned with. Because true trilogies are all about going back to the beginning and discovering something that wasn't true from the get-go. Godfather, Jedi, all revealed something that we thought was true that wasn't true. So if it is a trilogy you are dealing with, here are some super trilogy rules. One: you've got a killer who's gonna be superhuman. Stabbing him won't work. Shooting him won't work. Basically, in the third one, you've gotta cryogenically freeze his head, decapitate him, or blow him up. Number two: anyone, including the main character, can die. This means you, Sid. I'm sorry. It's the final chapter. It could be fucking Reservoir Dogs by the time this thing is through. Number three: the past will come back to bite you in the ass. Whatever you think you know about the past, forget it. The past is not at rest! Any sins you think were committed in the past are about to break out and destroy you. (long pause) So in closing, let me say...good luck, godspeed, and for some of you, I'll see you soon. 'Cause the rules say some of you ain't gonna make it. I didn't. Not if you're watching this tape (the video promptly ends)