written by Shawn Wayans, Marlon Wayans, Buddy Johnson, Phil Beauman, Jason Friedberg, and Aaron Seltzer
Buffy: Hello? Is someone there? Hellooooo? (the killer steps out from behind a post) Ah! Ha, very funny. Who put you up to this? Cindy? Lose the cape, it's way too 90's horror. (the killer pulls out a knife) Oh, so what movie is this from? Die Cheerleader Die? Wanna play Psycho Killer? Can I be the helpless cheerleader? Is this where I'm supposed to beg for my life? "Please Mr. Scary Killer, don't kill me." (killer stabs her in the stomach) Oh, is this where I'm supposed to bleed? Oh look I'm bleeding, eek! Eek! Oh, ya I'm supposed to run right? Ok, I'm running, I'm running! Help! Now I'm gonna fall and break my leg, leaving me helpless. (does so) There you go Mr. Scary Killer, I'm panicking now. Oh no! Somebody please help me! Oh God, no! No. Oh now what? Oh this must be the big climax, hope you don't mind if I fake it! (screams, and the killer cuts off her head) Oh look at me, I'm all dead, I'm a gross scary, severed head. Come on, please. Do you know who I am? I'm Miss Teen, and you're really giving me a headache. And you got blood all over my Gucci sweater. I hope you're gonna pay for that. I will not be ignored by the likes of you.
Credit and many thanks to Dana for this monologue, it is very much appreciated.
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