written by Steve Martin, adapted from the play by Edmond Rostand

C.D. Bales: Worms? Worms? Uh, did I say worms? I meant, uh, words Roxanne. (to Chris, whispering) This too hard, give me your coat, give me your coat. (to Roxanne) Uh, words, words, they're uh they're all used up, they're hard to say. They've all been wasted--(to Chris)--give it to me! (to Roxanne) on the shampoo commercials, and uhh, and the ads, and uhh the flavorings. All the beautiful words. I mean, how can you, uhh, how can you love a floor wax? Uhh, how can you love a diaper? I mean how can I use the same word about you that, uh, someone else uses about a stuffing? I'm uh, exploding with love for you and I can't use the word.
Roxanne: I can't hear you.
C.D. Bales: It's because my words have to rise up, they're having trouble find you.
Roxanne: You're not having trouble hearing me.
C.D. Bales: Well, your voice flows down. But be careful, one hard word from you at that height kills me! (to Chris) Give me your hat! Give me your hat! (Roxanne comes out to where she could see them) Oh shit!
Roxanne: Your voice sounds different.
C.D. Bales: Uhh, uhh, of course it's different, uhh, I don't have to be careful anymore, I'm uh, I'm protected by the night. I can be myself Roxanne, oh God, your name is like knife.
Roxanne: Stand where I can see you.
Chris: No!
Roxanne: Why?
C.D. Bales: Uh, my voice, only my voice. You don't need to see me, just, just listen to me. I know I only have a minute here to talk to you tonight. I was just wondering if I what I wrote to you touched you?
Roxanne: It did. It was eloquent.
C.D. Bales: No, no. Not eloquent, just honest. You see, I am in orbit around you. I am suspended weightless over you, like, like the blue man in the Chagall. Just hovering, hanging over you in a delirious kiss. Yesterday on the street, I swore I heard your name, I swore I heard someone say it and I turned, and there was nobody there, just five birds rising off the ground. And when their wings hit the air, I heard your name again. Just for that second I was one of 'em. Pounding out your name: Roxanne, Roxanne. The word of two syllables locked inside my head. You see, I am, and I will always be, the one who loved you without limits.
Chris: (whispering) What are you talking about? It's too much!
Roxanne: Go on.
Chris: (whispering) It's working, go on, go on!
C.D. Bales:This is my whole life right now. Standing here, talking to you like this. Saying things I wanted to say but couldn't.
Roxanne: Why couldn't you talk to me?
C.D. Bales: Because I was afraid of having you laugh at me.
Roxanne: That's so silly.
C.D. Bales: No, no no, not if you knew. When you're reaching for a star, there's a long way to fall. I almost never let this moment never happen. And now I feel sorry for people for whom it never comes. I love you. I have breathed you in, and I am suffocating. I am crazy I can't go on. This is all too much!
Roxanne: I'm starting to feel a little dizzy.
C.D. Bales: And I'm starting to feel a little drunk. Because I have made you tremble. And you are trembling aren't you?
Roxanne: Like a leaf on a tree.
Chris: I want to make love to you!
C.D. Bales: Shut up Chris!
Roxanne: What?
C.D. Bales: I, I was uh, telling myself to shut because this time I've gone too far.
Roxanne: I'll tell you when you've gone too far.
Chris: She wants us! Look it, C.D., it's okay! Sooner or later. You can do it. Come on, come on. Come on C.D., do it, do it.
C.D. Bales: Roxanne, don't think I don't know you. Don't think I haven't felt you beneath me. And I know you've imagined it, you have. Haven't you? Lying back in your bed with me.
Roxanne: I have.
C.D. Bales: There will never be another tonight, Roxanne. Why should we sip from a teacup when we can drink from the river? There's a tiny word. It's not a noun, it's not a verb, it's not an adjective, I, I don't know what it is. But if you said it to me tonight, all this blackness would go away, and you and I would be connected by a tunnel of light.
Roxanne: What is the word Chris?
C.D. Bales: "Yes". "Yes", Roxanne, "yes".
Roxanne: Yes. Yes, Chris.

Kudos and much thanks go to Paul for the donation of this monologue, it is very much appreciated.

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