written by Steve Martin, adapted from the play by Edmond Rostand

C.D. Bales: Alright. Alright, twenty something-betters. Uh, here goes. Uh, start with, uh, obvious: Excuse me, is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? Meteorlogical: Everybody take cover, she's going to BLOW! Fashionable: You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger - like Wyoming. Personal: Well, here we are, just the three of us. Punctual: Alright, Delmond your nose was on time, but you were fifteen minutes late! Envious: Ooooooh, I wish I was you! Gosh, to be able to smell your own ear! Naughty: Uh, pardon me, sir, some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't mind putting that thing away. Philosophical: You know, it's not the size of a nose that's important, it's what's in it that matters! Humorous: Laugh, and the world laughs with you - sneeze and it's goodbye Seattle! Commercial: Hi, I'm Earl Shive and I can paint that nose for $39.95! Polite: Uh, would mind not bobbing your head, the, uh, orchestra keeps changing tempo. Melodic: Everybody!
Everyone with C.D.: He's got the whole world -- in his nose!
C.D. Bales: Sympathetic: Awww, what happened, did your parents lose a bet with God? Complimentary: You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides? Obscure: Whooof, I'd hate see the grindstone. (a few people laugh) Think about it. Inquiring: When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid? French: (with an accent) Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave! Pornographic: Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once! (lots of cheers) How many is that?
Man: Fourteen, chief!
C.D. Bales: Alright, alright. Religious: The Lord giveth, and he just kept on giving, didn't he? (crowd shouts out how many he has after each new one) Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose-hair? Uhhh...paranoid: Keep that guy away from my cocaine! Aromatic: It must be wonderful to wake up and smell the coffee - in Brazil. Appreciative: Oooooh, how original! Most people just have their teeth capped! Alright, uh...... (crowd shouts encouragement) Alright. Dirty: (leaning towards the original heckler) Your name wouldn't be DICK, would it?

And just for fun...

C.D. Bales: Oh, ho, ho, irony! Oh, no, no, we don't get that here. See, uh, people ski topless here while smoking dope, so irony's not really a, a high priority. We haven't had any irony here since about, uh, '83, when I was the only practitioner of it. And I stopped because I was getting tired of being stared at.

C.D. Bales: I have a dream. It's not a big dream, it's just a little dream. My dream - and I hope you don't find this too crazy - is that I would like the people of this community to feel that if, God forbid, there were a fire, calling the fire department would actually be a wise thing to do. You can't have people, if their houses are burning down, saying, "Whatever you do, don't call the fire department!" That would be bad.

Kudos and much thanks go to Paul for the donation of this monologue, it is very much appreciated. Thank to Ron for a correction to this piece.

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