Pump Up The Volume
written by Allan Moyle
Mark Hunter/Hard-Harry: You see, I never planned it like this. My dumb dad got me this short wave radio set so I could just speak to my friends back east, but I couldn't reach anybody, I thought I was talking to nobody. I imagined that nobody was listening. Maybe I imagined one person out there, anyway one day I woke up and I realized I was never going to be normal and so I said fuck it, I said so be it and Happy Harry Hard-on was born. I never meant to hurt anyone, honestly I never meant to hurt anyone. I'm sorry, Malcolm. I never said "Don't do it" I'm sorry. Um...anyway I'm done, stick a fork in me, it's been grand. This is Happy Harry Hard-on saying syionara, over and out. [Turns his system off, only to turn it back on a few moments later]
You hear about some kid who did something stupid, something desperate. What possessed him. How could he do such a terrible thing? It's really quite simple actually. Consider the life of a teenager. You have parents, teachers telling you what to do. You have movies, magazines, and TV telling you what to do. But you know what you have to do. Your job, your purpose, is to get accepted, get a cute girlfriend, and think up something great to do with the rest of your life. What if you're confused and can't imagine a career? What if you're funny-looking and you can't get a girlfriend? You see no one wants to hear it, but the terrible secret is that being young is sometimes less fun than being dead.
Shep Sheppard (Clayton Landey): [listening] This is great, he's making it worse.
Mark: Suicide is wrong, but the interesting thing about it is how uncomplicated it seems. There you are, you got all these problems swarming around your brain, and here is one simple, one incredibly simple solution. I'm just surprised it doesn't happen every day around here. No now they're going to say I said offing yourself is simple, but no, no, no, no, it's not simple. It's like everything else: you have to read the fine print. For instance, assuming there is a heaven--who would ever wanna go there, y'know? I mean think about it, sitting on this cloud, you know it's nice, it's quiet, there's no teachers, there's no parents, but guess what? There's nothing to do. Fucking boring. Another thing to remember about suicide is that it is not a pretty picture. First of all, you shit your shorts, you know. So there you are dead, people are weeping over you, crying, girls you never spoke to are saying, "Why? Why? Why?" and you have a load in your shorts. That's the way I see it. Sue me. Now, they're saying I shouldn't think stuff like this. They're saying something is wrong with me, that I should be ashamed. Well, I'm sick of being ashamed. Aren't you?
Nora (Samantha Mathis): [listening] Sick to death!
Mark: I don't mind being dejected and rejected, but I'm not going to be ashamed about it. At least pain is real. You look around and you see nothing is real, but the pain is real. You know, even this show isn't real. This isn't me; I'm using a voice disguiser. I'm a phoney fuck just like my Dad, just like anybody. You see, the real me is just as worried as the rest of you. They say I'm disturbed. Well, of course I'm disturbed. I mean we're all disturbed, and if we're not, why not? Doesn't this blend of blindness and blandness want to make you do something crazy? Then why not do something crazy? It makes a helluva lot of sense than blowing you fucking brains out you know. Go nuts, go crazy, get creative! You got problems? You just chuck'em, nuke'em! They think you're moody? Make'em think you're crazy, make'em think you might snap! They think you got attitude? You show'em some real attitude! Come on, go nuts, get crazy. Hey no more Mr. Nice Guy. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, oh god!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, oh yes.
[Wild chaos and screaming from his listeners and Mark/Harry himself]
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