written by Jules Feiffer, based on a comic strip by E.C. Segar

Poopdeck Pappy: Ah, I never seen anything like this before in me life. Talkin' to yer own fadduh like dat. Ya disobedienk brat! Yer spoiled, that's what ya are! Spoiled! Children! Children! Kids! Children! Ah, phooey! Phooey! Give 'em everythin' they want, and what do you gets in return? Nuttin! Nuttin! Nuttin! Nuttin' but heartache! Heartache, sadness, and misery! And a bad time once in a while when you try ta give 'em a bath, and they don't want it! And another bad time when you wanna do somethin' that you really wanna do, but all they wanna do is know what you wanna do! Bless their little hearts! If they were really made outta gold, I'd like ta sell 'em on the open marketplace! I could make me a fortune! Kids! Ah, they don't know what they're doin'. Kids! Dad-blast 'em, they're gonna lead ya to ruin! That's what they're gonna do, lead ya to ruin! They cry at you when they're young, they yell at ya when they're older, they borrows from ya when they're middle-aged, and they leave ya alone to die--without even payin' ya back! Children! Phooey! Give 'em everythin' they want, and what do ya get back in return? You get nothin'! Why they're just smaller versions of us, ya know, but I'm not so crazy about me in the first place--so why do I want one o' them? I ask ya...Children! Ah, children. Little children. Ya pour your heart out to 'em, you give 'em everythin' they want: give 'em candy, and a lotta toys, and what do ya get back? You get a lotta noise! "Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah! My poppa's a mean ol' man!" I'm through with children, I'm through with kids, there ain't nothin I'm never gonna do about it!

Credit and many thanks to Jason for this monologue, it is very much appreciated.

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