The Muppet Movie
written by Jerry Juhl & Jack Burns
Kermit: I didn't promise anybody anything. What do I know about Hollywood anyway? Just the dreams I got from sitting through too many double-features. (his own voice speaks to him) Then why did you leave the swamp in the first place? 'Cause some agent fella said I had talent. Hm. He probably says that to everybody. On the other hand, if you hadn't left the swamp, you'd be feeling pretty miserable anyhow. Yeah, but then it would just be me feelin' miserable. Now I got a lady pig, and a bear and a chicken, a dog, a thing -- whatever Gonzo is. He's a little like a turkey. Yeah, a little like a turkey. But not much. No, I guess not. (literally talking to a second-himself now) Anyhow, I brought 'em all out here into the middle of nowhere. It's all my fault. Still...whether you promised them something or not, you gotta remember they wanted to come. But that's because they believed in me. No, they believed in the dream. Well, so do I, but-- You do? Yeah! Of course I do. Well then? Well, then...I guess I was wrong when I said I never promised anyone. I promised me.
(An homage to "High Noon," Kermit walks onto main street with boots, spurs and a cowboy hat)
Kermit: All right, Hopper.
Doc Hopper: All right, frog. One last chance. You can do my TV commercials live or stuffed.
(Guns are cocked)
Kermit: Hopper, what's the matter with you? You gotta be crazy chasin' me halfway across the country. Why are you doin' this to me?
Hopper: 'Cause all my life I wanted to own a thousand frog-leg restaurants, and you're the key, greenie.
Kermit: Yeah, well, I've got a dream too. But it's about singing and dancing and making people happy. That's the kind of dream that gets better the more people you share it with. And, well, I've found a whole bunch of friends who have the same dream. And, well, it kind of makes us like a family. You have anyone like that, Hopper? I mean, once you get all those restaurants, who are you gonna share it with? Who are your friends, Doc? Those guys? ...I don't think you're a bad man, Doc. And I think if you look in your heart, you'll find you really want to let me and my friends go to follow our dream. But if that's not the kind of man you are and if what I'm saying doesn't make any sense to you, well, then, go ahead and kill me.
Hopper: (sighs, removes his hat) Alright, boys. Kill him.
(The gunmen advance as Kermit and the others gasp in terror - but then a gigantic Animal breaks through the roof of Bunsen Honeydew's lab and scares them all away)
(Editors Note: this second monologue has been edited slightly for the sake of the monologue integrity. Thank you.)
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