written by Tina Fey, from the book by Rosalind Wiseman
Regina: Let me tell you something about Janis Ian. We were best friends in middle school. (makes a face) I know right, it's soooo embarrassing. I don’t even…whatever. So then in eighth grade I started going out with my first boyfriend Kyle, who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to Indiana--and Janis was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like if I would blow her off to hang out with Kyle, she'd be like "Why didn't you call me back?!" and I'd be like, "Uh, why are you so obsessed with me?" So then for my birthday party, which was an all girls pool party, I was like, "Janyce, I can't invite you because I think you're a lesbian" I mean, I couldn't have a lesbian at my party! There were going to be girls there in their bathing suits! I mean right, she was a lesbian! So then her mom called my mom and started yelling at her and it was so retarded and then she dropped out of school 'cause no one would talk to her and she came back in the fall for high school and her hair was all cut off and she was totally weird and now I guess she's on crack. (gasps and turns) Oh my God! I love your skirt, where did you get it?
Lea: It was my mom's in the '80s.
Regina: Vintage, so adorable.
Lea: Thanks. (Lea walks away.)
Regina: That is the ugliest effing skirt I've ever seen.
Janis: Okay, yeah. I've got an apology. So, I have this friend who is a new student this year. And I convinced her that it would be fun to mess up Regina George's life. So I had her pretend to be friends with Regina, and then she would come to my house after and we would just laugh about all the dumb stuff Regina said. And we gave these candy bar things that would make her gain weight, and then we turned her best frinds against her. And then... Oh yeah, Cady - You know my friend Cady. She made out with her boyfriend, and we convinced him to break up with her. Oh God, and we gave her foot cream instead of face wash. (to Regina) God! I am so sorry Regina. Really, I don't know why I did this. I guess it's probably because I've got a big LESBIAN crush on you! Suck on THAT!
Kudos and much thanks go to Elleri for this monologue, it is very much appreciated.
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