written by Paul Thomas Anderson
"Quiz Kid" Donnie Smith: I'm sick. I'm sick here now. I confuse melancholy with depression sometimes.
Thurston Howell (Henry Gibson): Mmm hmm --
Donnie: You see?
Thurston: Why don't you run along now, friend? Your dessert is getting cold.
Donnie: I'm sick.
Thurston: Stay that way.
Donnie: I'm sick and I'm in love.
Thurston: You seem the sort of person that confuses the two.
Donnie: That's right. That's the first time you've been right. I confuse the two, and I don't care. Hey. (to Brad the bartender) Hey! I love you. I love you, and I'm sick. I'll talk to you -- I'll talk to you tomorrow, I'm getting corrective oral surgery tomorrow for my teeth. I love you, Brad. Brad the Bartender. If you want to love me back, I'll be good to you. I'll be goddamned good for you. I won't be mad if you don't know who said what. I won't punish you if you get the answers wrong. I can teach and tell you...
Thurston: (to Brad) You have a special secret crush over there, I think. Don't treat him too lovely. He might get hurt.
Donnie: You shut up. Mind your own business!
Thurston: Gently, son.
Donnie: Brad, I know you don't love me now...
Thurston: It's a dangerous thing to confuse children with angels.
Donnie: (walks to TV) You want to know the common element for the entire group? Like he asked? I'll tell you the answer, because I had that one. I had that question. Ah, carbon. Carbon. In pencil lead, it's in the form of graphite. In coal, it's mixed up with other impurities. And in the diamond, it's in hard form. (in game show host voice) "Well, all we really wanted to know was the common element, Donnie, but thank you for all that unnecessary knowledge." (laughs) Kids. Heads so full of useless knowledge. Thank you, thank you... (begins to head for bathroom) And the book says, "We may be through with the past, but the past is not through with us!" And...no, it is not dangerous to confuse children with angels!
Kudos and much thanks go to Brad for this monologue, it is very much appreciated.
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