Kicking & Screaming
written by Noah Baumbach and Oliver Berkman

Grover: Are there any flights to Prague?
Ticket Agent (Jessica Hecht): We have our shuttle that goes to international terminals, then you change for Paris and change there for Prague.
Grover: And the shuttle, that leaves when?
Ticket Agent: In an hour.
Grover: Put me on it.
Ticket Agent: Oh, I'm sorry sir, that flight's all booked.
Grover: [pauses, disappointed] Look, everybody else in America's already been to Prague. What's the big deal if you send on extra? (Pause) I'm sorry. You see, I've been needing to go there for a long time now. I mean there's Czech and Slovakia, and a big Jewish cemetery, and the opera house. [thinks] Maybe that's Vienna where the opera house is. But that's near by. You know, and given the opportunity I'd hit Vienna too. Hell, I'd do all of Europe if given the chance. [pause] I can imagine Jane and some Pragueian idiot dancing the night away. Horrible image. And the coffee. See, all I know is American coffee. Or the beer, or whatever is good over there. It's got to all be better over there. I mean, nothing I eat has any taste. It's been such a strange time. What if I was there now? How would things be different? Isn't there a big bridge with statues on it? I seem to remember that from a history class. I mean, Jane and some guy kissing on the bridge, in public. Probably some Czech writer. The image kills me. That's great. This is so frustrating because I'm terrible at conflict. I hate it. And if I would have imagined this problem while falling asleep at night I don't think I would have spoken up to you. Even in my fantasy life, I would have just accepted it. That's who I am. But today I have to go, I have to. And when I tell people about this in the future, I know that, uh, it'll be the time that I went. I know that when I review this whole episode in my head I'm not going to know what I did, or why I did it. I don't know, maybe I've done something to the real Grover. But it'll make a good story in my young adult life. The time I chose to go to Prague. I'll look back on it and won't believe that I actually went. You know, I went away. So let me go. I have to, I need. Just put me on the plane. Let me go.
Ticket Agent: I think I can find a seat for you. [takes Grover's credit card] Very good Mr. Carey. Now, I'll just need to see your passport. [Grover realizes that he doesn't have his passport.] You can always go tomorrow.

Kudos and immense thanks go to Jeff for the donation of this monologue to my page.

[ please return to the main movie monologue page ]