written by Kevin Smith
(He tries to feed her but she rejects the bottle.)
Ollie: No? (clears throat) Yeah, this is only temporary, you know? Living with your grandfather here. So how about that Fresh Prince thing, huh? It was quite a show. Your dad's one big horse's ass. Daddy's ex-bosses said the guys who did PR for Hitler have a better chance of working in this business again than Daddy does. So, okay... how're you doin? Yeah? You know, you kinda look like your mom. Like a squishier, balder version of your mom. Man, I just wish you could've gotten to meet your mom. I know she wanted to meet you ...in a big, bad way. In a big, bad way. Sometimes, Daddy wishes he'd have died instead of Mommy. Because Mommy never would have... let work get in the way of... getting to know you, like Daddy has for the last... month or so. It's just that Daddy...he didn't expect Mommy... (sighs) to leave the way she did. It's just really hard on Daddy, who's been trying to fill up his days with work, so he wouldn't have to think about Mommy never being around again. I just loved your mom so much. You know? She really lit my world on fire. When that happens...you kinda think it'll go on like that until one of you dies. You know? You just don't expect? I miss her so much. So, so much. And you're a little piece of Mommy, you know? And that makes you really special to Daddy. (He picks up his child.) Just don't go anywhere. 'Cause you're the next best thing to Mommy, and I love you so much. And I'll always be here for you. And I'm sorry about the way I've been acting. But I promise you...I'll be better now. I'm gonna be the best Daddy in the world. 'Cause that's what Mommy wanted. And that's what you deserve. And that's all I am now. I'm just your dad. (He gently kisses her and puts her back in her crib) Your dad... likes to run off at the mouth sometimes, I know. (laughs) Your mother wasn't a fan either. You wanna see a picture of your mom? I have one. This was your mommy. She was really pretty. Okay. You can keep it. Daddy's got a bunch. There you go. Good night, Gertie.
Kudos and much thanks go to Christopher Michael Smith for this monologue, it is very much appreciated.
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