written by Kevin Smith
Hooper X: For years in this industry, whenever an African American character, hero or villain, is introduced USUALLY by my white artist names. They got SLAPPED with racist names that singled them out as Negros! Now--my book, "White-Hating Coon", don't have any of that bullshit. The hero's name is Maleequa and he's descended from the black tribe that established the first society on the planet while all you European motherfuckers were all hiding out in caves 'n shit, terrified of the sun. He's a strong role-model that a young black reader can look up to. 'Cause I'm here to tell ya: the chickens are coming home to roost, y'all. The black man is no longer going to be playing the minstrel in the medium of comics and sci-fi fantasy. We're keeping it real! And we're going to get respect by any means necessary.
Holden (Ben Affleck): Ah, c'mon, that's a bunch of horseshit! Lando Calrissian was a black guy, y'know, he got to fly the Millenium Falcon! What's the matter with you!
Hooper: Who said that?
Holden: (standing up) I did. Lando Calrissian is a positive role-model in the realm of science fiction fantasy.
Hooper: Hey, FUCK Lando Calrissian!
(Holden shrugs and sits down)
Hooper: Uncle-Tom nigger, heh. Always some white boy gotta invoke the holy trilogy. Bust this! Those movies are about how the white man keeps the brother-man down--even in a galaxy far far away. Check this shit. You got cracker farmboy Luke Skywalker, Nazi poster boy blond hair blue eyes. Then you got Darth Vader, blackest brother in the galaxy. Nubian god!
Banky (Jason Lee): (standing up) What's a nubian?
Hooper: Shut the fuck up! (Banky sits down) Now. Vader, he's a spiritual brother, down with the force and all that good shit. Then this cracker Skywalker gets his hands on a lightsaber, and the boy decides HE'S gonna run the whole fucking universe! Gets a whole KLAN of whites together and they go bust up Vader's hood, the Death Star! Now what the fuck do you call that?
Banky: Intergalatic civil war?
Hooper: Gentrification!! They gonna drive out the black element to make the galaxy quote-unquote safe for white folks! In "Jedi," the most insulting installment when Vader's beautiful black visage is SULLIED when he pulls off his mask to reveal a feeble, crusty old white man! They trying to tell us that deep inside, we all wants to be WHITE!!!
Banky: Well, isn't that true?
(Hooper pulls out a gun, releases the safety, kicks over the podium and shoots Banky several times, and Banky falls, clutching his chest. All the other speakers and audience members (excluding Holden and Alyssa who we are about to meet) dive for cover or scatter screaming as...)
Hooper: (shooting into the air): Black rage!!! Black rage!!! I kill all white folks I lay my motherfuckin' eyes on!!
(But don't worry everyone, Banky's fine, it was just blanks in the gun and a completely staged publicity stunt for Hooper's comic book title)
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