written by Brian Nelson
Jeff: You were coming on to me.
Hayley: Oh, come on, that's what they all say, Jeff.
Hayley: Who! The pedophiles! "She was so sexy, she was asking for it." Or... "'She was only technically a girl, she acted like a woman." It's just so easy to blame a kid, isn't it! Just because a girl knows how to imitate a woman does NOT mean she's ready to do what a woman does. I mean, you're the grown up here... If a kid is experimenting and says something flirtatious, you ignore it, you don't encourage it! If a kid says 'Heyyy, let's make screwdrivers!' you take the alcohol away and you don't race them to the next drink!
(Jeff is tied down to a table, having just been castrated by 14-year-old Hayley. Janelle is a model and Jeff's ex-girlfriend. Donna is a missing teenager who Hayley suspects Jeff of murdering.)
Hayley: All right, uh, I'd cancel any appointments you have in the next few days just because -- you're going to be sorer than you've ever been before. Oh, and I'd say, in like eight or nine days, take the stitches out, which I suggest you do yourself to save embarassment. Oh and there's this website eunuchsquestions dot com. Eunuchs is e-u-n-u-c-h-s. I had a lot of trouble with that but it gives great advice on how to deal with your castration. You really -- You don't have to go through this alone, you know? Um, do you want some souvenirs (holds up his severed glands in two glasses) No? Okay. What should we do with them? We could see how far they bounce. Hm? (opens the door into his backyard) Actually... we wouldn't want, like, a little animal confusing it for an afternoon snack. You know? A little squirrelly or a coyote might get sick and we don't want that, especially with you being such a convervationist. We could grind them up in the garbage disposal. Or--or we could sew them back in. I had this shop teacher once, who sawed off his thumb in class, and then he grabbed some ice, drove to the emergency room. The next day, sure enough, he has his thumb. Didn't bend so well, but he could, like, hitchhike and stuff. (turns on the garbage disposal, Jeff winces) I'm just checking to see if it works. (disposes of them, turning on the garbage disposal again) I guess they weren't, uh, brass. You're not laughing, are you? Well, no wonder. This isn't a laughing matter at all. I don't know. Maybe Donna's smiling just a tad.
Jeff: I didn't do anything to her.
Hayley: Maybe, maybe not. But I suggest you track down the guy who did... 'cause he has no idea what's waiting for him. Here. (offers a glass of water) You really need to rehydrate. (he turns his head away) Jeff. Please. Come on.
(She pours the water and he drinks, then spits it back at her.)
Hayley: Jeff, I'm serious. You really, really need to drink this, okay? C'mon. (he drinks) Attaboy. Do you want more?
Jeff: Why are you being so nice to me now?
Hayley: You're kinda pitfiul now, aren't you? I mean, it's going to be tricky, not letting anyone find out about... No more sex. No more taking public showers. But one of these days, you're going to get a physical and your doctor's going to find out. And don't worry. He's not gonna tell his golf buddies...and they're not going to tell their friends, and they're not going to tell their friends. But a couple years down the road you're going to start wondering, "Do your publishers know? Do your models know? Does Janelle know?" God, I'm sweating. Look, I'll go take a shower and then I'll be out of your life, okay?
Jeff: I'll find you.
Hayley: Don't make threats while you're still tied down.
Jeff: I'm just saying--
Hayley: What do you expect me to do about it? Hm?
Jeff: I'm just saying.
Hayley: The easiest thing for me to do would be to just kill you. But I already told you I'm not going to do that. You don't get off that easy, Jeff. ... I'm sweating like a pig. Seriously. Um, I gotta go have a shower and then when I come back later maybe we can chat some more.
Credit and many thanks to Samantha for the first of these two monologues, it is very much appreciated.
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