written by Todd Solondz

Allen: I dunno...but whenever I see her, I just wanna...you know, I wanna...undress her...I wanna tie her up...I wanna pump her...pump, pump, pump, till she screams bloody murder and then I wanna flip her ass over and pump her even more. And so hard that my dick shoots right through her. And that my come squirts out of her mouth. And not that I could ever... actually do that. (breathes to himself) See...if she only knew how I felt. Deep down I really cared for her, respected her...she would love me back. Maybe. Oh, she doesn't even know I exist. I mean, she knows I exist...I mean, we are neighbors, you know, we...you know, smile politely at each other, but...I don't if I could ever really begin to talk to her, I mean, I have nothing to talk about, I'm boring. That I know. I've been told before, so don't tell me it's not true. 'Cause it's a fact. I bore people. People look at me and they get bored. People listen to me and they zone out...bored. who is that boring person? They think..."I have never before met anyone so boring." And for her to see how boring I am...
(The psychologist Bill Maplewood (Dylan Baker) "zones out," feigning interest, and we hear him going over the errands he needs to do as he continues talking)
Bill: A gallon of skim milk...a dozen eggs...one of those disposable cameras for the weekend. Stop at the 7-11 on the way home ...I got to get the dry cleaning for Trish. I've got to check Billy's homework...and call Mrs. Mitchell about her appointment on Tuesday. (he starts to drift off entirely then awakes) reschedule the dentist...
Allen: But you know what I'm gonna do?
Bill: (to himself) I gotta get the dog cleaned.
Allen: The next time I see her...as soon as I see her...I'm just gonna tell her...I'm gonna tell her that I, uh, find her......attractive.
(The scene ends)

[ please return to the main movie monologue page ]