Part of the Experience
written by Woody Allen
Mickey Sachs: One day about a month ago I really hit bottom. You know, I just felt that in a godless universe, I didn't want to go on living. Now I happen to own this rifle... (coughing) ...which I loaded, believe it or not, and pressed it to my forehead. And I remember thinking, at the time, I'm gonna kill myself. Then I thought ...what if I'm wrong? What if there is a God? I mean, after all, nobody really knows that.
But then I thought, no. You know, maybe is not good enough. I want certainty or nothing. And I remember very clearly the clock was ticking, and I was sitting there frozen, with the gun to my head, debating whether to shoot. All of a sudden, the gun went off. I had been so tense, my finger had squeezed the trigger inadvertently, but I was perspiring so much, the gun had slid off my forehead and missed me.
And suddenly, neighbors were, were, pounding on the door, and-and I don't know, the whole scene was just pandemonium. (stuttering) And, uh, you know, and I-I-I-I-I ran to the door. I-I-I-I didn't know what to say. You know, I was, I was embarrassed and confused, and my-my-my mind was r-r-racing a mile a minute... ...and I-I jus knew one thing. I...I-I-I-I had to get out of that house. I had to just get out in the fresh air and-and clear my head. And I remember very clearly. I walked the streets. I walked and I walked. I-I didn't know what was going through my mind. It all seemed so violent and un-unreal to me. And I wandered for a long time on the Upper West Side, you know, an-and it must have been hours! You know, my, my feet hurt. My head was, was pounding, and, and I had to sit down. I went into a movie house. I-I didn't know what was playing or anything. I just, I just needed a moment to gather my thoughts and, and be logical, and, and put the world back into rational perspective. And I went upstairs to the balcony, and I sat down (sighing) and, you know, the movie was a-a-a film that I'd seen many times in my life since I was a kid, an-and I always u-uh, loved it. And, you know, I'm, I'm watching these people up on the screen, and I started getting hooked on...on the film, you know?
And I started to feel how can you even think of killing yourself? I mean, isn't it so stupid? I mean, l-look at all the people up there on the screen. You know, they're real funny, and, and what if the worst is true? What if there's no God, and you only go around once and that's it? Well, you know, don't you want to be part of the experience? You know, what the hell, it-i-it's not all a drag. And I'm thinking to myself, geez, I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts. And...you know... ...after, who knows? I mean, you know, maybe there is something. Nobody really knows. I know, I know "maybe" is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on, but that's the best we have. And...then, I started to sit back, and I actually began to enjoy myself.
Kudos and much thanks go to Danny for this monologue, it is very much appreciated.
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