written by Martin Brest
(Ricki is doing yoga throughout his/her monologue)
Larry Gigli: So I'm not your type, huh?
Ricki: How did we get back there all of a sudden?
Larry: Relax. I've more women than I know what to do with. I don't need to be dipping into the ... sisterhood. But I'm just curious 'cause of all sudden now, you say you've been with guys.
Ricki: I have.
Larry: They have their... uh... shortcomings?
Ricki: Besides the fact they give terrible head?
Larry: See. Right there that tells me somethin'. I know the guys you've been with obviously didn't know how to, uh... how to bring home the pearls when they were diving for oysters.
Ricki: I was actually just joking.
Larry: Eh, we're letting it all hang out now, let me tell you something else. When it comes to pleasing a woman, your girlfriends, they're just... they're at a natural disadvantage. It's like they might try hard, but they're just not backed up by millions of years of genetic engineering, programming, instinct. Nature has evolved man for that purpose. Satisfy. Lead the pack. That's why these lesbians are always going out buyin', spending all their dough on like, y'know, sexual appliances, erotic monkey wrenches and shit, trying to compensate for what they don't have, they're not getting. The penis. That's right. Its very design tells you everything you need to know. (pelvic thrusts) Forward motion. Advancements. Fucking progress! Into the dark, deep mysterious unknown. It's like, adventuring-seeking, frontier-conquering, obstacle-eradicating...
Ricki: Well... and you tried to create the impression you didn't read books.
Larry: You're settling for second best. That's all I'm sayin'.
Ricki: So... in review ... you're saying that it's men who are at the top of the Must Fuck Pyramid.
Larry: That's all I'm telling.
Ricki: Hm. Loving, caring, sensitive, giving men.
Larry: That's right.
Ricki: Well, you're entitled to your opinion. But ... let us reconsider women for a minute, shall we?
Ricki: Their form. Neck. Shoulders. Legs. Hips. I think pretty cool. Now, as far as your famous penis goes, the penis is like some sort of bizarre sea slug or like a really long toe. I mean, it's handy. Important even. But the pinnacle of sexual design? The top of the list of erotic destinations? I don't think so. Ones first impulse is to kiss what? ... To kiss the lips. Firm, delicious lips, sweet lips ... surrounding a warm, moist, dizzingly scented mouth. That's what everyone wants to kiss. Not a toe. Not a sea slug. A mouth. And why do you think that is, stupid? ... Because the mouth is the twin sister, the almost exact look-alike of what? ... Not the toe. The mouth is the twin sister of ... the vagina. And all creatures big and small seek the orifice, the opening, to be taken in, engulfed, to be squeezed, lovingly crushed by what is truly the all-powerful, all-encompassing -- no, if it's design you're concerned with, hidden meaning, symbolism, power ... forget the top of Mount Everest, forget the bottom of the sea, the moon, the stars, there is no place nowhere that has been the object of more ambitions, more battles than the sweet sacred mystery between a womans legs that I am proud to call (whispering, barely audible) my pussy.
So I guess this is just my roundabout way of saying that it is women who are in fact the most desirable form. ... Wouldn't you agree?
Larry: (softly) I agree.
Ricki: Mm. And so do I. (sighs contentedly)
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