written by Allison Anders, Alexandre Rockwell, Robert Rodriguez, & Quentin Tarantino
Ted: My name is not Theodore, it's TED, TED, TED, T2E2D 2..TED2NOT TEDDY, NOT THEODORE . . . TED . . . . Yes, my mother did me the service of naming me Theodore and I haven't a clue as to how you know that because everyone who knows that lives a long way away from here. Do you have any idea what it's like to go to school where all the other kids' parents are in jail doing time for crimes like grand larceny, aggravated assault, burglary and murder, and you get stuck with a mother who names you Theodore and dressed you up in little matching pink outfits with, get this, a little blue bow fucking tie! Well, I'll tell you what happens. Pretty soon Theodore becomes "Theo the Thumper," and when Theo the Thumper gets old enough, he packs his bags and goes thousands of miles away where he can put the whole bloody mess behind him. So, if you don't mind, shoot me now, because no one is going to call me that again. My name is Ted, okay? Got it? TED!
Kudos and much thanks go to Jen for the donation of this monologue, it is very much appreciated.
[ please return to the main movie monologue page ]