written by Kevin Smith

Bethany: May I ask what brought you here?
Jay: Some fuck named John Hughes.
Bethany: "Sixteen Candles" John Hughes?
Jay: You know that guy, too? That fuckin' guy. He made this flick "Sixteen Candles." Not bad. There's tits in it, but no bush, but Ebert over here don't give a shit about that kind of thing 'cause he's, like, all in love with this John Hughes guy. He goes out and rents, like, every one of his movies. Fuckin' "Breakfast Club," where all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. Fuckin' "Weird Science," where this chick wants to take her gear off and get down, but oh no, she don't 'cause it's a PG movie. And then, "Pretty in Pink," which I can't even watch with this tubby bitch anymore, 'cause every time we get to the part where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin' like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit. And there's nothing worse than watchin' a fuckin' fat man weep. Anyway all of John Hughes movies take place in Shermer, Illinois, where all the hunnies are top shelf but all the boys are whiney pussies-except Judd Nelson man, he was fuckin' harsh. So me and "Lunchbox" here figured we could live like fatrats if we were the blunt connection in Shermer. So we collected some money we were owed and boarded a bus. But you know what we found out when we got here? There is no Shermer Illinois -- movies are fuckin' bullshit man!

Kudos and much thanks go to Meghan for this monologue, it is very much appreciated. Much thanks/appreciation also to StCarNmdDezire and ALSO TaureanRainChild for sending me some additional text that's included in this monologue...

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