written by Kevin Smith

Bartleby: I was close. You know, I was so close to slittin' that bitch's throat. You know how that felt? Righteous. Justified. Eager, even.
Loki: You alright man? Your eyes are kinda...
Bartleby: (interrupting) My eyes are open. For the first time, I get it. When that little innocent girl let her mission slip, I had an epiphany. See, in the beginning, it was just us and Him. Angels and God.
Loki: Uh huh.
Bartleby: Then he created humans. Ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship... and bowing and scraping and adoration. He gave them more than He ever gave us. He gave them a choice. They choose to acknowledge God, or choose to ignore him. All this time we've been down here, I've felt the absence of the Divine presence. And it's pained me... As I'm sure it must have pained you. And why? Because of the way he made us. Had we been given free will, we could choose to ignore the pain. Like they do. But no! We're servants!
Loki: Okay... You know, all I'm sayin' here, is one of us might need a little nap.
Bartleby: (claps hands) Wake up! These humans have besmirched everything He's bestowed upon them. They were given Paradise -- they threw it away. They were given this planet -- they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe he exists. And in spite of it all... He hath shown them infinite fucking patience at every turn. What about us? I asked you... Once, to lay down the sword, because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from Paradise! Where was his infinite fucking patience then?! It's not right! It's not fair! We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time... Don't you think it's time we went home? And to do that... I... I think we may have to dispatch our-our would be dispatchers.
Loki: Wait. Wait. Wait. Kill them? (Bartleby grins) You're talking about the Last Scion for Chrissakes! And what about Jay and Bob? I mean... Those guys were alright.
Bartleby: Don't. Don't my friend. See, don't let your sympathies get the best of you. They did me once. Scion or not, she's just a human. And by passing through that arch, our sins are forgiven. No harm, no foul. (walks away)
Loki: My God. I've heard a rant like this before.
Bartleby: (turning around) What did you say?
Loki: I've heard a rant like this before.
Bartleby: Don't you fuckin' do that to me.
Loki: You sound like the Morning Star. Bartleby: You shut your fuckin' mouth, Seraph!
Loki: You do! You sound like Lucifer man! You fuckin' lost it! You're not talkin' about goin' home Bartleby, you're talkin' about fuckin' war on God. Well fuck that. I have seen what happens to the proud when then take on the throne. I'm goin' back to Wisconsin.
(Bartleby violently throws Loki against a pillar in the parking garage)
Bartleby: We're going home, Loki! And no one, not you, not even the Almighty himself, is gonna make that otherwise. (Bartleby walks away.)
Loki: Shit. (he follows)

Kudos and much thanks go to Kasey for the corrected authentic what's-on-film version of this monologue, it is very much appreciated. Thanks to Michel and Sean for a couple of respective corrections.

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