written by Saturday Night Live writers
Graham Stansler: Any nature walk begins with one essential staple. Iím talking, of course, about GORP. GORP is an acronym for granola, oatmeal, raisins, and peanuts. But for me it just stands for delicious. Of course if you find yourself on a fairly long nature walk, the GORP soon runs out. And then itís your challenge to find savory sustenance in the wild. Here below the tree line, there are lots and lots of exciting things to eat. Bark, moss, even grubs. Now itís my understanding that some berries are poisonous, and thatís why I avoid them, even the ones in the grocery store. Now, if you work your way a little higher on the mountain, pickings get a little slimmer. Maybe some Ö lichens. Some wet soil. But soon thatís gone too and to make matters worse, you realize youíre lost and youíre starting to suffer from severe hypothermia. Then you think you see a bridge off in the distance leading to a Kentucky Fried Chicken that floats in the clouds. And your hiking partners have to restrain you. And then night sets in, and youíre huddling in a snow cave drinking your own urine. After a couple days, youíre dehydrated. Youíve eaten your boot leather, and youíre going blind from hunger. Thatís when you get desperate. And you have to find something to eat. So you and your buddies draw straws to see which one of you guys isnít coming down the mountain. Maybe Ė perhaps at your lowest moment you cheat, to make sure itís not gonna be you. And it turns out to be Ö Carl. The godfather of your children. You know itís really amazing how easy it is Ė how easy it is to turn your back on God. How easy it is to steal a little extra Carl while the others arenít looking. And then a chopper comes and rescues everyone. But for the rest of your life, everything you eat tastes a little like Carl. Gamy, little stringy... Thanks for having me ladies. Remember, GORP stands for granola, oatmeal Ö shoe leather, urine, and Carl.
Kudos and much thanks go to Jamie for this monologue, it is very much appreciated.
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