... two dialogues
written by Patrick Marber

Anna: Why are you dressed?
Larry: Because I think you might be about to leave me and I don't want to be wearing a dressing gown. ...I slept with someone in New York. A whore. I'm sorry.
Anna: Why did you tell me?
Larry: I couldn't lie to you.
Anna: Why not?
Larry: Because I love you.
(She walks away to sit down on a chair--long pause.)
Anna: It's fine.
Larry: Really? Why? Something's wrong. Tell me. Are you leaving me? (She nods) Because of this? Why?
Anna: Dan.
(Dan (Jude Law)--whose practical joke resulted in Anna and Larry meeting.)
Larry: "Cupid"? He's our joke.
Anna: I love him.
Larry: You're seeing him, no? (She nods) Since when?
Anna: Since my opening last year. I'm disgusting.
Larry: You're phenomenal. You're so clever.Why did you marry me?
Anna: I stopped seeing him and I wanted us to work.
Larry: Why did you tell me you wanted children?
Anna: Because I do.
Larry: And now you want children with him.
Anna: Yes. (shakes head) I don't know.
Larry: We're happy. Aren't we? (she gives him a look)... You're going to go live with him?
Anna: You can stay here if you want.
Larry: Oh, look, I don't give a fuck about the spoils. You did this to me, the day we met, you let me hang myself for your amusement. Why didn't you just tell me the second I walked through the door?
Anna: I was scared.
Larry: You're a coward, you spoiled bitch! ... Are you dressed because you thought I might hit you? What do you think I am?
Anna: I've been hit before.
Larry: Not by me! Is he a good fuck?
Anna: Don't do this.
(They move into the kitchen.)
Larry: Just answer the question. Is he good?
Anna: Yes.
Larry: Better than me?
Anna: Different.
Larry: Better?
Anna: Gentler.
Larry: What does that mean?
Anna: You know what it means.
Larry: Tell me.
Anna: No.
Larry: I treat you like a whore.
Anna: Sometimes.
Larry: Why would that be?
Anna: I'm sorry you--
Larry: Don't say it! Don't you fucking say "You're too good for me." I am, but don't say it. You're making the mistake of your life. You're leaving me because you believe you don't deserve happiness but you do, Anna. (beat)... Did you have a bath because you had sex with him? So you wouldn't smell of him? So you'd feel less guilty? How do you feel?
Anna: Guilty.
Larry: Did you ever love me?
(She nods, walks over and holds him. He cries in her arms. After a few seconds, he pushes her away and walks away.) (We leave them for a moment to see Daniel (Jude Law) standing in his empty apartment, after being unable to find Alice. When we return to Anna and Larry, a few minutes have passed. It's clear that these minutes have been spent in isolated silence.)
Larry: Did you do it here?
Anna: No.
Larry: Why not?
Anna: Do you wish we did?
Larry: Just tell me the truth.
Anna: Yes we did it here.
Larry: Where?
(She points to a very nice sofa.)
Anna: There.
Larry: On this? We had a first fuck on this. Did you think of me? ... When? When did you do it here? ANSWER THE QUESTION!
Anna: This evening.
Larry: Did you come?
Anna: Why are you doing this?
Larry: 'Cause I want to know.
Anna: Yes, I came.
Larry: How many times?
Anna: Twice.
Larry: How?
Anna: First he went down on me then we fucked.
Larry: Who was where?
Anna: I was on top then he fucked me from behind.
Larry: And that's when you came the second time.
Anna: God... why is the sex so important?
Larry: Because I'm a fucking caveman! Did you touch yourself while he fucked you?
Anna: Yes.
Larry: You wank for him.
Anna: Sometimes.
Larry: And he does.
Anna: We do everything that people who have sex do!
Larry: Do you enjoy sucking him off?!
Anna: Yes!
Larry: You like his cock?!
Anna: I love it!
Larry: You like him coming in your face?!
Anna: Yes!
Larry: What does it taste like?!
Anna: It tastes like you but sweeter.
Larry: That's the spirit. Thank you. Thank you for your honesty. Now fuck off and die, you fucked up slag.

Larry: I love you.
Alice: Thank you.
Larry: What's this room called?
Alice: The paradise suite.
Larry: How many paradise suites are there?
Alice: Eight.
Larry: Do I have to pay you to talk to me?
Alice: No, but if you want to tip me, you're welcome.
(He does.)
Alice: Thank you.
Larry: I used to come here a million years ago. It was a punk club. The stage was... ...Everything is a version of something else. Twenty years ago. How old were you?
Alice: Four.
Larry: Christ. When I was in flares, you were in nappies.
Alice: My nappies were flared.
Larry: You have a face of an angel.
Alice: Thank you.
Larry: What does your cunt taste like?
Alice: Heaven.
Larry: ......How long you been doing this?
Alice: Three months.
Larry: Straight after he left you.
Alice: No one left me.
Larry: Nice wig.
Alice: Thank you.
Larry: Does all this turn you on?
Alice: Sometimes.
Larry: Liar. You're telling me it turns you on because you think that's what I want to hear. You think I'm turned on by it turning you on.
Alice: The thought of me creaming myself when I strip for strangers doesn't turn you on?
Larry: Put like that, yes. (she bends over in front of him) Ohh. Are you flirting with me?
Alice: Maybe.
Larry: Are you allowed to flirt with me?
Alice: Sure.
Larry: Really?
Alice: No, I'm not. I'm breaking all the rules.
Larry: You're mocking me.
Alice: Yes, I'm allowed to flirt.
Larry: To prise my money from me.
Alice: To prise your money from you I may do or say as I please.
Larry: Except touch.
Alice: We're not allowed to touch.
Larry: Open your legs. Wider. Show me. (she does) So what would happen if I touched you now?
Alice: I would call security.
Larry: What would they do?
Alice: They would ask you to leave and ask you not to come back.
Larry: And if I refused to leave?
Alice: They would remove you. Those are security cameras in the ceiling.
(He looks up.)
Larry: I think it's best I don't attempt to touch you. I'd like to touch you... later.
Alice: I'm not a whore.
Larry: I wouldn't pay. Why the fuck did he leave you?
Alice: What's your job?
Larry: A question. You've asked me a question.
Alice: So?
Larry: It's a chink in your armor.
Alice: I'm not wearing armor.
Larry: Yes you are. You know I do. Why are you calling yourself Jane?
Alice: Because it's my name.
Larry: We both know it isn't. You're all protecting your identities. There's a girl out there, calls herself Venus. What's her real name?
Alice: Pluto.
Larry: You're cheeky.
Alice: Would you like me to stop being cheeky?
Larry: No.
Alice: What's your name?
Larry: Daniel.
Alice: Daniel the dermatologist.
Larry: I never told you my job.
Alice: I guessed.
Larry: You're strong.There's another one out there, judging by the scars, a recent patient of Doctor Tit. Calls herself Cupid. Who's going to tell her that Cupid was a bloke?
Alice: He wasn't a bloke. He was a little boy.
Larry: I want you to tell me your name. (tips her) Please.
Alice: Thank you. My name is Jane.
Larry: Your real name. (tips her)
Alice: Thank you. My real name is Jane.
Larry: Careful. (tips her)
Alice: Thank you. Still Jane.
Larry: I've got another 500 quid here. Why don't I just give you all this money (throws some at her) and you tell me what your real name is, Alice? (He holds a wad of cash under her chin.)
Alice: I promise. (He throws the wad at her. She picks it up.) Thank you. My real name is plain Jane Jones.
Larry: I may be rich but I'm not stupid.
Alice: What a shame, Doc, I love 'em rich and stupid.
Larry: Don't you fuck around with me!
Alice: I apologize.
Larry: Accepted. All the girls in this hell hole... the ... pneumatic robots, the coked-up babydolls and you're no different. You all use stagenames to con yourselves into someone else so you don't feel ashamed when you show your cunts and assholes to complete fucking strangers! I am trying to have a conversation here!
Alice: You're out of cash, buddy.
Larry: I paid for this room!
Alice: This is extra.
Larry: We met last year.
Alice: Wrong girl.
Larry: Talk to me!
Alice: I am.
Larry: Talk to me in real life. I didn't know you'd be here. I know who you are. I love you. I love everything about you. The hurt. (laughs, then sits down and cries) She won't even see me. You feel the same. I know you feel the same.
Alice: You can't cry in here.
Larry: Hold me. Let me hold you.
Alice: We're not allowed to touch.
Larry: Well, come home with me. It's safe. Let me look after you.
Alice: I don't need looking after.
Larry: Everybody needs looking after.
Alice: I'm not your revenge fuck.
Larry: I'll pay you.
Alice: I don't need your money.
Larry: You have my money.
Alice: Thank you.
Larry: "Thank you." "Thank you." Is that some kind of rule?
Alice: Just being polite.
Larry: Get a lot of grown men crying their guts out, do you?
Alice: Occupational hazard.
Larry: Have you ever desired a customer?
Alice: Yes.
Larry: Well, put me out of my misery, do you desire me because I'm being pretty fucking honest about my feelings for you.
Alice: Your feelings?
Larry: Whatever.
Alice: No, I don't desire you.
Larry: Thank you. Thank you sincerely for your honesty. ... You think you haven't given us anything of yourselves. You think because you don't love us or desire us or even like us, you think you've won.
Alice: It's not a war.
Larry: (laughs) If I ask you to strip right now, would you?
Alice: Of course. Do you want me to?
Larry: No. Alice--tell me something true.
Alice: Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off--but it's better if you do.
Larry: You're cold. You're all cold at heart. (at the security camera in the ceiling) What do you have to do to get a bit of intimacy around here?!
Alice: Maybe next time I'll have worked on my intimacy.
Larry: No, I'll tell you what's going to work. That you're going to take your gear off right now and you're going to turn around very slowly and you're going to bend over and you're going to touch the fucking floor for my viewing pleasure.
Alice: Is that what you want?
Larry: What else could I want?
(She does as requested. He stares at her)

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