written by Kevin Smith
Dante: You get me slapped with a fine, you argue with the customers and I have to patch everything up, you get us thrown out of a funeral by violating a corpse, and then to top it all off you ruin my relationship. I mean what's your encore? Do you like anally rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank? (pause) You know what the real tragedy about all this is? I'm not even supposed to be here today!
Randal: Oh fuck you! Fuck you, pal! Jesus, there you go. Trying to pass the buck. I`m the source of all your misery. Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to win back his ex-girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one? You want to blame somebody? Blame yourself! (mimics) "I'm not even supposed to be here today" You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here - you're here of your own volition. You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulder, like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you over-compensate for having whats basically a monkey's job. You push fucking buttons! Anybody could waltz in here and do our jobs. You - you're so obsessed with making everything seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante - and badly I might add. I work in a shitty video store, badly as well. You know, that guy Jay's got it right man, he has no delusions about what he does. Us - we like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people who come in here to buy a paper or God forbid, cigarettes. We look down on them as if we're so advanced. Well, if we're so fucking advanced, what are we doing working here?
Credit and many thanks to Ringo for this monologue, it is very much appreciated. Thanks to Malissa for corrections/additions.
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