written by Bill Condon, from the musical written by Maurine Dallas Watkins, Bob Fosse, & Fred Ebb
Liz (Susan Misner): You know how people have these little habits that get you down? Like Bernie. Bernie liked to chew gum. No, not chew. POP. So I came home this one day and Iím really irritated and I'm looking for a little bit of sympathy and thereís Bernie, lying on the couch drinking a beer and chewin. No, not chewing--POPPING. So said to him, I said "you POP that gum one more time..." And he did. So I took the shotgun off the wall and fired two warning shots... into his head.
Annie (Denise Faye): I met Ezekiel Young from Salt Lake City about two years ago and he told me he was single and we hit it off right away. So, we started living together. He'd go to work, he'd come home, I'd fix him a drink, we'd have dinner. And then I found out. "Single," he told me. Single, my ass. Not only was he married... oh, no, he had six wives. One of those Mormons, you know. So that night, when he came home from work, I fixed him his drink as usual. You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic!
June (Deidre Goodwin): I'm standin' in the kitchen, carving up a chicken for dinner, minding my own business, in storms my husband, Wilbur, in a jealous rage. "You've been screwing the milkman," he said. He was crazy, and he kept on screaming, "You've been screwing the milkman." And then he ran into my knife... he ran into my knife ten times.
Mona (Mya): I loved Al Lipshitz more than I could say. He was a real artistic type, a painter. He was always trying to find himself. He'd go out every night looking for himself. And on the way, he found Ruth. Gladys. Rosemary. And Irving. I guess you could say we broke up because of artistic differences. He saw himself as alive. And I saw him dead.
Velma Kelly (Catherine Zeta-Jones): My sister Veronica and I had this double act, and my husband Charlie traveled around with us. Now for the last number in our act, we did these twenty acrobatic tricks in a row. One, two, three, four, five, splits, spread eagles, backflips, flip-flops, one right after the other. So this one night before the show, we're down at the Hotel Cicero. The three of us boozin' , having a few laughs. And we ran out of ice, so I go out to get some. I come back...open the door...and there's Veronica and Charlie, doing number seventeen: the Spread Eagle. Well, I was in such a state of shock; I completley blacked out, I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands, (viciously) I even knew they were dead.
Kudos and much thanks go to Starbeam and Sharon for these monologues, it is very much appreciated.
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