Chasing Amy
written by Kevin Smith

Banky: What the fuck is going on with you and that girl? She's programming you, and apparently, you don't even realize it. What does it matter if I refer to her as a dyke, or if I call the Whalers a bunch of faggots in the privacy of my own office, far from the sensitive ears of the rest of the world? (begins drawing something) Bear with me here. I just want to put you through this little exercise. (finishes drawing) Okay, now see this? This is a four-way road, okay? And dead in the center, is a crisp, new, hundred dollar bill. Now at the end of each of the streets, are four people, okay? You following? Up here, we got a male-affectionate, easy-to-get-along-with, no political agenda lesbian. Okay? Now down here, we have a man-hating, angry-as-fuck, agenda-of-rage, bitter dyke. To this side, we got Santa Claus, right? And over to this side - the Easter Bunny. Which one's going to get to the hundred dollar bill first?... I'm serious. This is a serious exercise. It's like an S.A.T. question. Which one's going to get to the hundred dollar bill first - the male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter Bunny?
Holden: The man-hating dyke.
Banky: Good. Why?... BECAUSE THESE OTHER THREE ARE FIGMENTS OF YOUR FUCKING IMAGINATION! She's fucking with your mind, man! She knows you?ve got this schoolboy crush and she's using it to sway your way of thinking! Maybe she thinks you?ll get her comic picked up by Contender. Or maybe she thinks you'll change the content of our book to something more political and message oriented. Or, gee - I don't know - maybe because that's just what dykes like to do: fuck around with straight guys'? heads, just so she can go back to her little rug-muncher club and have a good laugh with all her man-hating harpy cronies about how fucking stupid and easily duped men are! You don't even know this girl! Big deal, she's from Middletown and she went to North! All the girls at North were bitches and sluts anyway! And this one's got them beat by a mile because she's a bitch/slut/dyke! Oh why? Do you get my back when she bashes me? Because I know she does. And do you know why she does? Because I won't play her fucking game! What is it about this girl? You know you have no shot at getting her into bed! Why do you bother wasting time with her? Because you're Holden fucking McNeil - most persistent traveller on the road that's not the path of least resistance! Everything's gotta be a fucking challenge for you, and this little relationship with that bitch is a prime example of your fucking condition. Well I don't need a fucking magic eight ball to look into your future; you want a forecast? Here - will Holden ever fuck Alyssa. (shakes and looks at imaginary ball) What a shock - "Not fucking likely"! This relationship of yours is affecting you, our work and our friendship, and the time's going to come when I throw down the gauntlet and say it's me or her! And then what're you going to say?!... No, what would you say? Would you trash twenty years of friendship because you've got some idiotic notion that this chick would even let you sniff her panties, let alone fuck her?!... What the fuck, man?! WHAT THE FUCK MAKES THIS BITCH ALL THAT IMPORTANT?!?!

Credit and many thanks to Ian for this monologue, it is very much appreciated.

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