written by Michael McDowell, Warren Skaaren, & Larry Wilson
Betelgeuse: (laughing) Heehoo! Havin' trouble with the livin'? You tired of havin' your home space violated? Wanna get rid of them pesky livin critters once and for all? Well come on down and see me folks, I'm the afterlife's leading bio-exorcist. Yes siree! So come on down, and I'll tell ya, I'll do anything. I'll scare 'em real bad. Hell, I'll even possess myself! (falls on ground and starts to shake) Ow! (gets back up) I got demons runnin' all through me, all through me, come on down and see it. And if you act now, you get a free demon possession with every exorcism, now you can't beat that can ya? Hell, bring the little pards down here. We got plenty of snakes and lizards for them to play with. There's no problem with that at all. So, say it once, say it twice, three times' a charm, and remember… (sings and dances) I'll eat anything you want me to eat and I'll swallow anything you want me to swallow. (stops dancing) So come down I'll…chew on a dog. (howls)
Adam: What are your qualifications?
Betelgeuse: Ah. Well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen the (screaming at the top of his voice) EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT... NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY... NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK?!? You think I'm qualified?
Kudos and much thanks go to Jason for this monologue, it is very much appreciated.
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