The Boys in the Band
written by Matt Crowley
Emory: The one person I have always loved. Delbert Botts That's who you said to call, isn't it? I admit his name is not so good - but he is absolutely beautiful. - At least, he was when I was in high school. Of course, I haven't seen him since and he was about seven years older than I even then. I've loved him ever since the first day I laid eyes on him which was when I was in the fifth grade and he was a senior. - then, he went away to college and by the time he got out I was in high school, and he had become a dentist.
And he opened his office in a bank building. I went and had my teeth cleaned. I remember I looked right into his eyes the whole time and I kept wanting to bite his fingers. I told him I was having my teeth cleaned for the Junior-Senior Prom for which I was in charge of decorations. I told him it was a celestial theme and I was cutting stars out of tin foil and making clouds out of chicken wire and angel's hair. He couldn't have been less impressed. I told him I was going to burn incense in pots so that white fog would hover over the dance floor and it would look like heaven - just like I'd seen it in a Rita Hayworth movie, Down to Earth. He was engaged to this stupid-ass girl named Loraine whose mother was truly Supercunt. Anyway, I was a wreck. I mean a total mess. I couldn't eat, sleep, stand up, sit down, nothing. I could hardly cut out silver stars or finish the clouds for the Prom. So I called him on the telephone and asked if I could see him alone. He said okay and told me to come by his house. - I was so nervous this time - my hands were shaking and my voice was unsteady. I couldn't look at him - I just stared straight in space and blurted out why I'd come. - I told him . . . I wanted him to be my friend. I said that I never knew anyone who I could take to and tell everything to and trust. I asked him if he would be my friend. He said he would be glad to be my friend. And anytime I ever wanted to see him or call him - to just call him and he'd see me. And he shook my trembling wet hand and I left on a cloud, no not one of the ones I made myself. And the next day I went out and bought him a gold-plated cigarette lighter and had his initials monogrammed on it, and wrote a card that said, "From your friend, Emory." And then on the night of the Prom I found out. I heard two girls I knew giggling together. They were standing behind some goddamn corrugated cardboard Greek columns I had borrowed from a department store and had draped with yards and yards of goddamn cheesecloth. Oh, Mary, it takes a fairy to make something pretty. This girl who was telling the story said she had heard it from her mother - and her mother had heard it from Loraine's mother. Obviously, Del had told Loraine about my calling and about the gift. Pretty soon everybody at the dance had heard about it and they were all laughing and making jokes. Everybody knew I had a crush on Doctor Delbert Botts and that I had asked him to be my friend. What they didn't know was that I loved him. And that I would go on loving him years after they had all forgotten my funny secret.
Kudos and much thanks go to Mail2Dasch for the donation of this monologue, it is very much appreciated.
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