written by Jane Martin
(An actress in her late twenties runs up on the stage. She is nervous. She shields her eyes against the light. She is dressed in a slightly bizarre and trendy style. She carries in her arms a cat on a leash.)
Actress: Hi. Hey Hi. Wow. All right. Nice place. Nice,uh, nice theatre. Good vibes. Okay....for my.....can you hear me? Can you? No? Yes? You are out there, right? (She puts the cat on the floor, her foot on the leash) O.K., so we're all here. Let's see..Audition! RAH! Get that part! O.K. My name is.....shit! I forgot my name. Right. This would be construed as craziness. My name is......I did. I forgot my name. My stage name. See, I decided to use my new stage name for this audition for, uh....luck. It was.....it was very....look, what d'you care, right? My human world name is Mary Titfer. Titfer. You got it? Goodo! O.K. Can you hear me? All the way back? Loud and clear Captain Marvel! A- O.K.!
......Now, one more introduction and we're under way. The, uh, small person on my leash is my cat 'Tat'. Get it? (points to herself). Titfer (points to cat.) 'Tat'. Right. You got it. Hey, we're waking up here! We're demonstrating consciousness. Okay. O.K. Now, you.... the imperial you....have a part. I, Titfer need a part. We are thus in tune. Synchronicity. Soooooooo, it's audition city! Now, 'I've got two parts for you today, and here's the surprise: I've got one classical piece and I've got one contemporary piece. Good. For my classical piece I will take off all my clothes. Now, why is this classical? Surly you jest. The body. The body is classical. It goes all the way back and all the way front. Har,har.
Okay. O.K. Now, in the great tradition of auditions you may stop me at anytime. You can stop me one second after I start. But...BUT....and here's the stinger....(she takes a hammer out of her purse, and a nail) Bear with me okay? A simple task and I'll be back with you. (she nails the cat's leash to the floor.) There. Nice kitty. O.K. Stop me at anytime. Right. Just yell 'Thank you Miss Titfer'. Firm but courteous and zaparoonie. I stop. I nip the strip. But when I stop my classical piece, I shift imminently into my contemporary piece which is......full attention now......beating the kitty's head in with a hammer! Yipes! Holy Mackerel! Is this broad kidding? well, I wouldn't want to spoil it for you but I don't think she's kidding. So, option A....We will let this poor, desperate, deluded girl debase herself.....and I would, will, be debased. Mortified. I mean....no clothes here? In front of strangers? Or option b....We can yell 'Thank you Miss Titfer' and watch her clonk the kitty.....and remember, Miss Titfer is fast. It will happen in a flash. Kittyplasm....and haven't we,no, you actually killed the little puss? Or option C, the second to last option. We could give Mary Titfer the crummy, undemanding, twelve line, two scene part, which, let me assure you, any mildly competent average workday actress could do while standing on her head shouting 'You can take this job and shove it'........backwards. O.K. Last option. We could give her the part now and then when she splits, her and he furry hostage, we could take it away from her on the basis that she needs....shhhh....psychiatric attention. But, if you did that. If you did that, then Mary Titfer would find and Jacobean revenge. Kill the feline and, perhaps- disturbing thought- herself in a particularly garish and oriental manner RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. Now, she might not have the nerve but on the other hand we don't know. We just don't know.
Kudos and much thanks go to Cassandra for this monologue, it is very much appreciated.
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