As Good As It Gets
written by Mark Andrus & James L. Brooks
Carol: You look great!...You look great! You want to dance?
Melvin: Well, I've been thinking about that since you brought it up before.
Melvin: No. I hate this place. They make me buy a new outfit, and they let you wear the housedress. I don't get it. (she rises to leave) What? Wait. Where you going? Why? I didn't mean it that way. You oughta sit down. You can still give me the dirty look. Look - just sit down and give it to me.
Carol: Pay me a compliment Melvin, I need one. Quick. You have no idea how much what you just said hurt my feelings.
Melvin: The mono-minute that someone gets that they need you, they threaten to walk out.
Carol: A compliment is something nice about somebody else.….. Now or never!
Carol: And mean it!
Melvin: Can we order first?
Melvin: (shouting across the room to the waiter) Two hardshell crab dinners, pitcher of cold beer. (pauses; to Carol) Baked or fried?
Carol: (humiliated) Fried.
Melvin: (continues) One baked, one fried... Okay, now. I got a great compliment for you, and its true.
Carol: I'm so afraid you're about to say something awful.
Melvin: Don't be pessimistic. It's not your style... Okay. Here I go. Clearly a mistake. I've got this...what?...ailment. My doctor, this shrink I used to go to all the time...he says in 50-60% of the cases a pill really helps. Now I hate pills. Very dangerous things, pills. I am using the word hate here with pills. Hate 'em. Anyway I never took them...then that night when you came over and said that you would never...well, you were there, you know what you said. And here's the compliment. That next morning, I took the pills.
Carol: I'm not quite sure how that's a compliment for me.
Melvin: You make me want to be a better man.
(Carol is stunned)
Carol: That's maybe the best compliment of my life.
Kudos and much thanks go to Ted for this monologue, it is very much appreciated. Much thanks/apprecation also to kobrien for sending me a more-correct version of this same monologue.
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