written by Peter Tolan, Harold Ramis & Kenneth Lonergan
Ben: Jelly, (slap) Whatsa matter with you? We never discuss Mr. Vitti's health outside the family, you know better than that. Sit down. SIT DOWN. You want a fresh one?
Primo: Who is this guy and what the fuck is he doing here?
Ben: Who I am, WHO I AM, who am I, who am I is a question for the ages. That’s one we are all searching for, to find out who I am, who’s in there, who wants to come out and say, hey, I'm hungry. Who I am is too deep and prof-, almost, you gotta go in deep and pull out the thing like with the movie with the thing came out of the stomach and up the people on the fucking spaceship, may they rest in peace. My name is Ben Sobol... lione. Ben Soblione. I'm also known as Benny the Groins, Sammy the Snoz, Elmer the Fudd, Tubby the Tuba, and once as Miss Fillis Lavine, but that was at a party, it was years ago, I smoked a te-te-bet and I had a quc-ca-lude and suddenly, I'm in fishnets and singing show tunes. These things happen, but it has nothing to do with what I'm here with you fine gentlemen today so I apologize. That being said, I am also known to the people who know me the best, as the fucking doctor. The second part of the question that you "axed" me is why I am here. I am here representing Mr. Paul Vitti as his consigiligiliere...(stumbling over the word)
(Ben slaps Jelly twice)
Ben: never correct me in public again, do you understand that. (Ben squeezes Jelly's cheeks like a grandmother) You broke my heart Jelly. You broke my heart. I apologize for the second interruption. As Mr. Vitti's consigliore… I am intimately involved in all aspects of the Vitti family business and I am prepared to speak for Mr. Vitti on all matters, batta-bing, batta-boom, betty-boo-pah.
Kudos and much thanks go to Kevin for this monologue , it is very much appreciated.
[ please return to the main movie monologue page ]